sometimes i wonder...

Been hooked to Eminem's "When I'm Gone". I love Eminem. He appears to be a hardcore rapper but his lyrics show his vulnerability, his emotional side. I love it. No pretending to be a "Yeah, I am strong, I can do this, I have tonnes of girls, blah blah blah".

Anyways, the end of the sem got me thinking. Amanda msged me on saturday afternoon after we went for dinner together saying" Good luck with your exams. Don't think I'll be seeing you for the rest of the semester already". I suddenly felt so sad after seeing her sms. I miss the times I hang out with her and she's graduating and going to spore for good. She's been there for me for the past 2 years and I thank god she was my housemate last year. On the walk back from suyen's place on idol on sunday, I suddenly thought to myself, " Oh man, this year has got to be one of the shittest year of my life". Everything didnt go well. And I mean everything. I am not generalising based on certains things that have happened recently but throughout the year. The things I never thought I had to deal with. Life just seem to throw me out. It seems like I have been totally neglected by humans on earth. And to top it up, I just saw the whole psychology third year gang in the reid cafe today (Jason, Ryan, Fiona, Bernice, Lydia, Li-Ann etc) discussing about one of the units. And I thought "Oh man, I should be there. Why on earth am I doing this double degree?"

Yes. My double degree. I've struggled alot because of this. Because of this decision I made. I can honestly say that life would simply be much better if I'm back in Singapore. At least I have my family who would be physically there for me, friends who could give me emotional support. Why did I choose to do a double degree in the first place? I could have chosen to do a single psychology degree. Cos that's what I want and love to do. Cos I want to be able to help people in my job. I could have been with the psych ppl, who are the best bunch I've ever met. All are competing for honours, but yet all are so willing to help. looking at my bunch. I mean the people who are doing 2nd year psych. I can see competition. All arent that willing to help. all prefering to study themselves and not form study groups. And I'm gonna do most of my third year units with them. okie, dont wanna think about that now. And then I think about my family. THat psych would not pay as much as accounting and finance, and that I owe my family one. I have to put my sis through uni. Cos I feel its my responsibility. That's why I'm doing this. Another reason I'm doing this is to show my parents that "hey, I can achieve good grades. I can pull through a double degree because doing it itself is hard. I want to be get through this and excel in it. To show my relatives, hey, I have 2 degrees. Be proud of it". And now I think, is it all worth it? Life's really hell. Or circumstances make life as a double degree student (or only rather me )hellish. And to top it up, I dont see anyone from my cohort doing the same double degree that I'm doing. I do diff units with diff ppl. I sit alone in lectures for some units, I have trouble finding group mates for assignments.

The only 2 things that made me feel better was when my uncle sent me an e-mail about the 90/10 principle. 10% of how things turn out the way they are depends on your circumstances. 90% of how things turn out will depend on how you react to your situation. And the other thing was when I was doing my i lecture for my psych unit. It talked about pscyhological problems of elderly people when a thought dawned on me,"I am gonna get much better job opportunities when I graduate. I get more choices. If I'm not happy as an accountant, I'm gonna quit and become a psychologist. And I'm gonna be an awesome psychologist"

Life rolled downhill in adolescence. I prayed life will roll uphill again in adulthood. But then again, I'm already in adulthood. And I just celebrated my 22nd birthday. Life's shitty this year. Will it improve next year? I have a negative feeling about this... and thinking about this can make me cry...

Revaluation of my life...

Aussie idol was great today. Good performances by Damien, Ricky, Chris and Jessica. My 1st time watching Arias (An aussie music awards ceremony). All the songs and bands have funny names, like wolfmother, rougue traders, tv rock. Haha, there's even a song called "moo, the choir" or something like that.

with the help of yen, my lezzie partner, who was with me when the incident at nb 2 days ago, and a call to maggy, my good friend in spore, i feel much better now. I think I can set my mind to close the case. After putting down the phone with mag, I finally thought, hey, the other person whom I saw that day is what God has planned to be in "that person's" life. And God has other plans for me. So I shouldnt be upset over something that wasnt meant to be mine in the 1st place. But like I said, I'm glad that the person has been in my life in 2006.

Anyways, been thinking a lot for the past 2 days. How my life has ended up the way it has. Somehow, opportunities hasnt been knocking on my door for the past 2 years. I did learn a lot; from the people I have to live with and communicate with is indeed different from my friends and family who were clearly in my comfort zone; for the past 3 years, I was put in a situation that wouldnt have happened when I was back in spore. I can daresay I was being put last in other people's mind. People wasnt willing to help when I was in dire straits. When I had to pick myself up, when I was forced to use rationality to overcome the emotion that I felt, and mind you, I am a pretty emotional person. When I really needed help, I could feel no one helping me. When I needed emotional support, I could turn to no one. No one could offer me the perfect solution, the kind of support that really comforted me after talking to the person. There was close to zero social life. I could count the amount of times I went to the cinema to watch a movie with my fingers. Similarly, I could count the amount of times there was a gathering, where I could thourougly enjoy myself, and be myself. There were times where I had coffee with amanda and Joanne, and it was all within the vincinity of my house. 5 mins walk to Tiamos or Terrazza.

Sometimes I really wonder how life has progressed for me in Perth. Particularly Perth. Wanting to be more involved in the Australian culture; wanting to go places, wanting to see more things, wanting life to be more exciting, fulfilling. Instead, life became more boring. My sole purpose this year was just to study and get good grades, and it ended up being going to uni and back home. And uni's just 10 mins walk away from home.

The purpose of this blog is not to complain how boring Perth is, or how boring I've made it out to be. The purpose of this entry is to really rethink being in perth. No doubt, I've made some good friends, I've grown, I've matured, I've suffered more hardships and learned more things. But somehow, this is not the life of an overseas student I've made out to be. Wanting more distinctions has not been my sole purpose in life. Wanting to go out more, meet new people, travel more, have more gatherings, movie sessions in the cinema, more coffee hangouts, go for rock concerts with friends. Perth seemed to be hindering life for me. I feel like I am gonna explode. Like what Bernice told me a few months ago, "its like you cannot truly be Nicole in Perth" Yes, its like I have something to offer, but no one in perth seems to take notice. Less and less people seemed to be appreciative of the things I do, less people seem to really like the person I am, less people seem not to enjoy my company. Which brings me back to my question. Is is because I have not found the right group of friends over here? Or is it just Perth? Is it time to move on to some other places where I can grow?

However, I've not completed what I set out to do. I've not graduated with a degree yet. I've not completed my studying cycle. And I do like the degree that UWA's offering me. I love what I am doing. I love doing psychology. It keeps me sane. It reminds me of what I can give to people when I graduate with this degree. Accounting was the best choice I've chosen out of my commerce degree. Its stable, relatively in high demand. At least I can tell myself, I can partially support my sister through uni, I can relieve my parents of the financial burden, and being the eldest child, I can at least tell myself that I have fulfiled the obligations as a child.

But the process of getting this degree is killing me. The very things that keep me alive, the company that keeps me going is not there. And I tell myself there are 2 ways I can go: either change to a better place where I feel happier, or change circumstances in perth so that I can be happier. I havent decided which route I should take for next year, but I am seriously going to give it some thought during the summer holidays. Its time I give a revaluation to my life....

It's time for a closure...

Afte 2 semesters... its time for a closure. Seeing something in northbridge confirms what I have feared over 3 weeks. The good vibe that I have felt turns out to be wrong. However, I'm glad I met this person because that person has been the one that kept me sane in perth. That person has been a motivation to me to study, to be happy each and everyday. This person has not meant to be in my life later on, but its alright. I'm glad we met. And I'm glad we could click.
But after this incident is over, I am definitely and positively sure cupid hates me. And being the stupid, foolish me, I have come out with some reasons why he doesnt like me.

Firstly, I'm not pretty enough.
Secondly, I do not have what it takes to attract guys.
Thirdly, I am too insignificant for him to strike.
Fourthly, he just hates me plainly or is jealous of me for whatever reason.

I can't think anymore. It's 2 am in the morning and the scene which I saw just now kept replaying in my mind. I wished the other person that I saw was me. But alas, it wasnt meant to be... oh well... It takes time but I'm gonna put a closure to it. Sometimes it hurts too much to cling on. And it'll be easier to let go. But what I fear is not letting go. What I fear is falling again, and the fear of going through the hurt again. Since cupid doesnt like me, I should just put a metal protection over my heart to prevent it from hurting again. I wonder when all these will ever end...

Lord Of War

Just finished watching Lord Of War. Talks about Nicholas Cage, an arms dealer surviving in the world. At the end, he escaped pusnishment. Just felt that I had to blog about this movie.

Firstly, life ain't fair. I see civilians being killed because of war. I see them killed because of no crime that they have committed. I see good people die. Turns out life will never be fair to each and every human being.

Secondly, Life doesn't revolve around ourselves. Perhaps being in perth has made me live in a rabbit's hole. I don't read the news, so I have no idea what's going around in the world. Life just ain't about ourselves. The things that we're complaining about revolves around school work, the tonnes of assignments that we have, the dreadful assignments that we have, our gf/bfs, family, friends. Life's bigger. Politics, religon, war. Bigger issues for us to think about.

Lastly, from what I've taken from the movie (Shall not divulge much for anyone reading this and have not caught the movie yet), one person's action can change the world significantly, whether the person chooses to believe it or not.

But Lord of War is a good movie overall. I definitely recommend 2 hours of your time watching this movie.

EaRLy QuiChY BiRthDaY

I just spent the most wonderful early birthday with my darling girlfriend. She surprised me by taking me to Maison Perry the passeterie. Knowing that I love quiche and that Maison sells quiche, she bought me one whole big quiche. We then headed to our favourite spot in mat bay, ordered a lemon tea and latte, and sat there enjoying the scenery and talking. One of the best things that happened to me this year was hanging out with her. She's my darling, accompanying me, listening to me whine, grumble, pour my heart out, etc etc. We'll always find comfort in each other, and I always understand her jokes. hee hee. It's so funny, and she's definetely one hellava good friend to be with.

Oohhhh... I saw so many nice cakes in Maison. Now I know why everyone buys birthday cakes from there. I remember eating the chocolate mousse cake from there. I saw the baileys cake there. It has the word " baileys" on it. How I wish I could just buy a slice. Alas, they dont sell it in slices. The apple pie looked good too! I miss eating apple pies. One of my favourite cakes around. Oh yeah, and the baci cheesecake in the restaurant my darling girlfriend works in. Hearing her describe how yummilicious the cake almost made my saliva drip. I can so imagine myself in that restaurant enjoying that slice of cake with a glass of sweet wine. Ah, nicole, snap back to reality.....

no psych honours in uwa

just handed in a "non-distinction" standard 60% lab report. Format ok, but my points in my intro and discussion dont seem to flow. I regret not reading more books. Books to help me improve on writing. I need this distinction for this unit to get into honours. Now I can only harbour hopes that my tutor will be more lenient in marking my paper. They say "God will make a way." My way is to get into masters in psych. You cant choose who you want to be. But sometimes I wish I was a girl who has both the brains and the looks. Damn it. I have neither. And damn... I am too tired to write....

Forgive my nonsensical blog at 8 55 am in the morning. The 3rd sunday in the semester w/o sleep the whole night...

Happy 22nd BirthDAy to My BestesT Friend =)

This is A SpEciAL MessAge To My BesTesT FrieNd, Miss CorrinE HonG Wan'ER.

~ HappY 22Nd BiRthDay!!!!!!!!!!!!~

From Your BesTesT FrieNd, Miss Lee Shu Hui.

I Hope You Are REadIng This GirL. PleASe Come OnLinE More OftEn And TalK To Me. I Haven'T ChattEd With You foR a WHiLe and I miss TalKiNG tO You. REad this Entry And GivE mE a RePLy SO thAT I KnoW You HAve Been REadiNG My BloG! Muhahaha...

Mistakes..Where my life led to in 2006...

Sat down on my computer doing my 60% lab report. Random thoughts came into mind. Random became reflective so I had to blog it down before it all fades away...

I came to Perth this year wanting to make the best out of uni life. I had made great plans. Getting a car, working this year to pay for my car, learning drums, spending good quality time with my housemates. Given circumstances have changed for me this year, I became optimistic of what my life would be this year.

About 2 days ago, when I handed in one of my assignment, I asked myself " What am I doing in Perth? What's the reason of studying so much? Why did I choose to torture myself and do a double degree when I could have done a single degree and be back in Singapore for good in a month's time?" I couldnt sleep that afternoon even though I did not sleep the previous night (as usual doing last min work for my assignment; my groupmates spent more than 24 hours in my room figuring out how to use access for the assignment)

Wrong planning. Wrong Focus. 2 reasons why life turned out for me the way it did.

1) Wrong focus:

• One would be devoting ALL my time to studying. Intention: becos I am doing all 3rd and 2nd yr units, and it equals more workload therefore more time and effort on studies.
• Second: Relying too much on my housemates. Thinking that it would be fantastic hanging out with my housemates. Do stuff together. Like shopping, eating out every week, watch movies together.

2) Wrong Planning:

• 1st priority: studying
• 2nd Priority: Getting a job then a car (I never made it to the second one)

Guess what turned out?

Zero social life.

Zero Church life.

Housemates time? Only dinner time when we cook. Although we do speak everyday, we dont hang out together.

My only life was studying. ONLY.

I was too dependent on my housemates for support, leisure. In the end, I got frustrated and disappointed when I didnt get what I expected. I flared up and showed my temper a couple of times, all in the sake that they knew how I felt and try to do something about it.

I gave up finding a job in the first semester because I put too much emphasis on my studies. When I couldnt get good results, I was sad.

Other social life? Nah. I could count the handful hangouts that MBGU has. It didnt turn out the way I had expected it to be.

Church life? I didnt give it much thought either. God wasnt on my mind this year. Prayers I did? Less than 20.

Other unexpected events came into place. There was one. One person which I had met in uni which changed my life. In a good way of cos. Because of that person, I had motivation to study. Because of that person which I feel a strong vibe about, I was happy everyday. That person keeps me alive, keeps me sane. And talking to that person has been fantastic. It kept me going. To the point now that I dont know where we stand.

It was a mistake. 3 mistakes, 3 different sources that I shouldnt have relied on heavily in the first place. Because in the end, I get disappointed. When the 3 sources dont satisfy me, I get upset. I lose all rationality. And I mean it. I cant think. I cant be rational.

A good thing that came out of this: A learning experience.

I need to rethink my priorities for next year. And I have come up with a resolution for next year. Every minute of my day in 2007 has to be fulfilled.

Fast forward please... Make time fly till the 15th of November. So that I can sit down and reflect on my life in 2006.

And I want to apologise to my housemates for being so moody, seemingly irritated, stressed, upset, and unfriendly at times.

Microsoft Access and Microsoft Excel

In the midst of doing my ACcounting Information Systems (AIS) assignment. It requires a great deal of knowledge of Access, which I've never used before. It took a lot of struggling before I could get my input forms correct.

Doing both an arts degree and a commerce degree has been great. For my psychology unit, I have to use Excel, and I've learnt how to use some of the more complicated functions such as macros. I can create graphs and use excel more efficiently now. Also, with this AIS assignment, I can roughly use access, though I still suck at it. Great, now I have one more thing to put in my resume. Under skills obtained, I can insert "Microsoft access" as an additional skill.

I've been spending everytime and everyday either doing my assignment, tutorial or lecture. If that's the case, I think I'll just really chill and relax during my summer break. 2 months of just enjoying. Eating yummy foods in spore (Yeah, I'm thinking of chuey Kueh, Chee Chiong Fun, Kuay Chap, Char Kuay Teow, Hokkien Mee), hanging out with friends (Yes, Eme, Wan'er, Mag, Weitian, e3 dogs, Kel, Win etc etc.), My Bangkok trip with the e3 dogs, and yes, taking up scuba diving lessons in M'sia, and also buying all the drama serials that I can and just sitting at the couch of my living room and watching it. So much so much to look forward to when I go back to spore. Oh yeah, and also spending time with my family. There's so much to do, so much to talk about, and so much to amend.

Yes, yes, I think I'll just do that. Screw the internship at EY, Deliotte, KPMG or PWC. I can always do it next year. Work's driving me nuts this semester and all I want for my break is just to relax, reorganise my life for next year (Yes, I have a screwed up life this year: Studying + no social or church life) and something needs to be done for next year. Before history repeats itself next year.

Right... back to work... maybe I'll just take a short nap... while waiting for my groupmates to come to have an assignment meeting... Not much sleep tonite... again... This is how I work when assignments are due the next day...

motivation vs cirmumstances

Its the worse period of everyone's life. Assignments. Dreadful. No one wants to do it. But no choice; in order to pass the unit, graduate, strive for honours, everyone has to do it.

Yeah, this brings me to my topic. Motivation vs circumstances. It has been happening to me, a few of my friends who have been complaining to me about their problems, which I deduce, stems from "the lack of motivation". It happens to us all the time, but it seem to strike a deep chord in me recently.

We are all affected by circumstances. Yes, we are students and we do have to put priorities into our studies. But come on, let's face it. We have 24 hours a day. Let's say we spend 8 hours sleeping (which I'm sure some ppl DON"T). We take 3 hours out from other things (eating, going to the toilet, stoning, chatting, surfing, whatever). I'm sure no one sane person can spend the remaining 13 hours studying (unless thay guy has 100% full power concentration, and if so, I take my hat off them). So what about the rest of the hours that we dont spend studying? Wouldnt we want to do something that we would like to do? Like for eg, spending the rest of the time trying to plan your bf or good friend's bdae? Wanting to hang out with your best pal? Play sport? If you dont spend the time doing it, what does that mean? I deduce two things: either you cant be bothered or you are not motivated to do it. I choose the latter.

I mean, if the person means something to you, I am sure you would take the time out to do something for that person. Even the tinest little bit. Dont tell me, "oh, I have an exam or assignment due in 2 days time and I cant even spend 10 mins talking to my bf/gf". It all boils down to motivation. Being motivated to do something makes you want to do it, and you will take the time out to do it even though you are affected by circumstances (exams, work etc).

A classic example that I can think of are birthdays. I cant change the fact that assignments and exams cloud together in the month of october and november. Its socially structured (Those who plan assignments and exams at that period are idoits, or rather, those whose birthdays fall on those periods and unlucky). I see that all the March & July babies always have something planned for them (surprises, birthday celebrations). that's because everyone's relatively free and do not have something off their hands that they can make time to participate/plan the birthdays etc. Even my sept birthday friends in singapore have exciting birthday activities lined up for them (just look at the recent sentosa celebration for the e3 sept babies). Ah, then come to october. What do the october babies get? Almost nothing. I can count the birthday celebrations for the october babies. Just look at Johnathan, Jeremy, Me and Suyen. I mean, we do get surprised, but our birthday celebrations are not as elaborate as Jasmine's, Jason's, Abel's, Sean's, Lu Hui's or any March or july babies for that matter of fact. Maybe I'm bitter. I havent had a very good surprise or birthday celebration in my life. But the point is, can you see the motivation there? I know everyone's busy with their assignments/exams/thesis whatever, but come on; if I am your good friend and if you really bother, what's taking out 2 hours of your precious time and come ask me out for a dinner right? Unless, 1)I'm not your priority 2) I am not a dear/good/best/girl/boy friend 3) You are really screwed with your work that you need the time to think, sleep, rest so that you get the energy to concentrate on your work, then yeah, no celebrations for me. I choose to think that 1) and 2) are more applicable.

Call me selfish, narcisstic, an idiot, foolish for thinking that way. I am just making a point about motivation. And sometimes, thinking that how people can be "unmotivatied" in doing things piss me off. Well, not pissed. More of disappointment. Enough of disappointment for the last 10 years. I've learnt that with no expectation, you will not be disappointed. The best thing I can do is to make sure I make sure every day is fulfilling and that I am happy, with or without friends.

So, to my friends who is sick of doing assignments/studying. Ask yourself this question. What's your motivation behind studying? When you find the right motivation, trust me. Studying becomes a lot more enjoyable. Circumstances may put you through a rough time, but motivation keeps you going and makes going through circumstances much more interesting, challenging, and enjoyable.

What do you think?

Nicole = not a studying machine only

I am damn sick of assignments. Yes, and studying in general. I hate the fact that my life only revolves around studying. I hate the fact that I spend monday to sunday only travelling from home to uni. Yes, and home is only 10 mins walk away from uni. Many people ask me recently," so this is your last year eh?" I find myself having to repeat the fact that I am doing a double degree. and I will be in uwa till July 2008. I wish I can break free from this life that I am leading now. I cant stand the fact that my life is rolling downhill now. Come on, I am 22 years old. Isnt this supposed to be the prime of my life? Isnt this supposed to be when life is most happening? And it doesnt help that I am not gonna be a bridesmaid, and that I cant go on a date. Maybe I should just take a year off from uni, go and throughly enjoy life before I start uni again. After 3 years in uwa, I am damn sick of studying, but most of all, I AM DAMN SICK OF PERTH! Nothing seems to go right over here. Everything sucks. UGHH.............. I am a highly extroverted and highly neurotic person. And I learnt in psych that I need to be highly stimulated (ie, I need excitement in life), and right now I cant seem to be getting it.


AHHH!!!!!!!! LIFE SUCKS!!!!!!!!!

MCW!

Hey guys!

apologies for not updating my blog. Been pretty busy for the past week. Didnt sleep last night cos I was rushing through my psychology essay. However, I wasnt busy the whole week because of that. It was because I just had the most happening week in the semester! And that is... Multicultural Week! Haha... For my friends back in aussie who doesnt know what mcw is, no worries.

Check Out:

http://au.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/nicoleleeshuhui84/my_photos

http://mcw06.blogspot.com

Through pictures and the blog about multicultural week, you would be able to have an idea what mcw is.

To sum up, the past week have been good! BUsy, but HapPy!

Rights... Back to more busy periods. Assignments and the Exam... But no worries, the SemeStER WiLL End In A MonTh'S TimE... so EveRyBoDy JiA You!!!!!!!

SIgninG Off... A "HigH" Shuhui~Nicole Who Is SLeeP-DePriVed...