What will happen from now on?

My life's a huge question mark. Everything is uncertain. It has certainly affected the people around me. S'pore ppl making decisions cos of me. My housemates in perth making decisions cos of me. ********** both in spore and perth making decisions cos of me.

Yet, I have to make the biggest decision of my life soon. To stay in Perth or to go back to Spore. What do i really want? I have no clue. What will happen in the future? I have no clue. Yet things just get more and more complicated.

What I really hope for is to just graduate in peace. No more drama mama. No more tears. Just to fully enjoy my last semester as a student. Just to study and get good marks. Since when i'm gonna start work, things aint gonna get easier, so I see no point in making my last semester more complicated.

Perhaps making things more clear makes it easier. But then again, maybe not.

God, I pray things will go peacefully. I ask for peace. Serenity. Can real happiness or real sadness wait till I finish my exams?

Part of me...

Emelia told me once that her ex-bf will always be a part of her. Given that they have been together for 10 years and they literally grew up together.

So how i feel about my sec sch mates and uni mates.

My sec sch mates. How sec sch life was simple. How we were so rebellious then. How puberty started then. How we learnt about love, relationships, friendships, sex back then. How the friendship was so pure. How the friendship was so simple. How we grew so much back then.

My uni sch mates. Although i have to admit half of it wasnt as sweet as honey. Rather, it was full of sourness, bitterness. With lots of tears. With lots of hardship. With lonliness. But, it was the sourness, the bitterness, the tears, the hardship that made me grow. That made me mature. A turning point in my life. How i see diff ppl. The best of the best. The best bf. The best friend. The best family. Honestly speaking, the ppl that i've met in uni have already set a benchmark of what i look for in a guy. The ppl that i've met in uni have changed my comfort zone into a whole new level. More wise, i hope. Not the stupid person i used to. Maybe i'm still stupid, but perhaps more wise.

With more people i meet, the more i'll compare with my sec and uni mates. And then i'll diss away those who do not meet the "criteria" and consider those who meet the benchmark.

These ppl whom i've studied with will always be a part of me, no matter what. I really hope they know how much they mean to me... I really hope to cherish them and be there for them no matter what.

My last official uni holidays... kinda sad that its over. Back to reality. The harsh reality. It sucks to feel this way now...

feeling like shit...

I am not feeling like shit today because its valentines day. I am blogging about it because it has been an accumulation of an all time low since monday. Its been freaking 4 days but i still cant get over it.

I just finished my internship. I feel like i am leading a meaningless life. I kept thinking in the past when I was in primary school, secondary school, and jc, my life revolved around school work. School in the morning, homework afternoon, homework night. In jc, sleep became a luxury. Now that i am in uni, i feel that i have all the time in the world. And I wondered how i actually survived my last holiday. I was doing absoultely nothing, but time still seemed to pass pretty well.

I guess i'm in a very different phase of life now. I'm entering a new phase, yet it doesnt seem well. U know, in the past, everyone graduates with you. Siqiao, Jingping, Aiwen and I graduate from primary school together. Weitian, Meixian, Kaili, Maggy, Waner, Steffi, Wanlin, Siyun, and all the other e3 dogs and me graduate from secondary school together. Peiyu and Steph and I graduate from JC together. And me, me alone, graduate all by myself in 5 months time. A double degree, something to celebrate, but then in the meantime, i'm all alone. Most of my friends have started working and have gone into the working phase. Tired is the word they say. Wake up in the morning, wash up, have breakfast, take the train/bus to work, work, eat lunch, work, knock off, maybe sometimes OT, then come home, have dinner, shower, maybe surf net, exercise or watch tv, then its time for bed. The routine continues. Everyone feels sian. Everyone feels tired. Hardly anyone has the mood nor the energy to go out like me.

What about the ppl in my uni? Most of the ISS ppl are either in msia or in perth. My MBGU? half in msia half in perth. The one in Singapore? Stupid me do stupid things which ended up me not talking to that person for 2 weeks. Shit. I am always doing things that make myself suffer. ONly now i realised i really need that friend. But i told myself 2 weeks not to contact that person. So shit. Shouldnt have done that. Wanted to shout and say i regret. Our friendship means everything to me and i am really grateful for that person's company. Shit. Now i feel all empty and alone.

10 more days to go before i fly back... i have absolutely no idea how to feel now. Uncertainties. I hate uncertainties.

Its funny how twisted my year can be... let fate decide for the rat

Its the fourth day of the lunar new year. For past years, i would frantically search through the newspapers and watch the tv for the fortune of the rats in the respective years. Perhaps fate made it this way. I've had no chance of reading any articles about the fate of the rat in the rate year. And I missed out the fortune teller reading the fate of the rate.

Perhaps its meant to be this way. The more I look at it, the more it seems to be this way. I have no idea how 2008 will treat me. How twisted my life in the year of the rat will be. In a certain way, life was already twisted in January. Things that i expected happen didnt happen. Things that i didnt expect to happen happened.

Everything in my life seem to be tumbling, roaring, freewheeling downwards. Like a spiral staircase, I'll continue to fall till i reach the basement, where surprises will lie ahead. Be it good or bad, you'll never know. Just like how in the movie nancy drew finds a clue that leads her to find the mystery of the famous actress dahliff draycof. Maybe i'll find the missing pieces to my life in that basement, but till now, i am still spiraling downwards.... god knows when i'll reach the basement....