sometimes i wonder...

Been hooked to Eminem's "When I'm Gone". I love Eminem. He appears to be a hardcore rapper but his lyrics show his vulnerability, his emotional side. I love it. No pretending to be a "Yeah, I am strong, I can do this, I have tonnes of girls, blah blah blah".

Anyways, the end of the sem got me thinking. Amanda msged me on saturday afternoon after we went for dinner together saying" Good luck with your exams. Don't think I'll be seeing you for the rest of the semester already". I suddenly felt so sad after seeing her sms. I miss the times I hang out with her and she's graduating and going to spore for good. She's been there for me for the past 2 years and I thank god she was my housemate last year. On the walk back from suyen's place on idol on sunday, I suddenly thought to myself, " Oh man, this year has got to be one of the shittest year of my life". Everything didnt go well. And I mean everything. I am not generalising based on certains things that have happened recently but throughout the year. The things I never thought I had to deal with. Life just seem to throw me out. It seems like I have been totally neglected by humans on earth. And to top it up, I just saw the whole psychology third year gang in the reid cafe today (Jason, Ryan, Fiona, Bernice, Lydia, Li-Ann etc) discussing about one of the units. And I thought "Oh man, I should be there. Why on earth am I doing this double degree?"

Yes. My double degree. I've struggled alot because of this. Because of this decision I made. I can honestly say that life would simply be much better if I'm back in Singapore. At least I have my family who would be physically there for me, friends who could give me emotional support. Why did I choose to do a double degree in the first place? I could have chosen to do a single psychology degree. Cos that's what I want and love to do. Cos I want to be able to help people in my job. I could have been with the psych ppl, who are the best bunch I've ever met. All are competing for honours, but yet all are so willing to help. looking at my bunch. I mean the people who are doing 2nd year psych. I can see competition. All arent that willing to help. all prefering to study themselves and not form study groups. And I'm gonna do most of my third year units with them. okie, dont wanna think about that now. And then I think about my family. THat psych would not pay as much as accounting and finance, and that I owe my family one. I have to put my sis through uni. Cos I feel its my responsibility. That's why I'm doing this. Another reason I'm doing this is to show my parents that "hey, I can achieve good grades. I can pull through a double degree because doing it itself is hard. I want to be get through this and excel in it. To show my relatives, hey, I have 2 degrees. Be proud of it". And now I think, is it all worth it? Life's really hell. Or circumstances make life as a double degree student (or only rather me )hellish. And to top it up, I dont see anyone from my cohort doing the same double degree that I'm doing. I do diff units with diff ppl. I sit alone in lectures for some units, I have trouble finding group mates for assignments.

The only 2 things that made me feel better was when my uncle sent me an e-mail about the 90/10 principle. 10% of how things turn out the way they are depends on your circumstances. 90% of how things turn out will depend on how you react to your situation. And the other thing was when I was doing my i lecture for my psych unit. It talked about pscyhological problems of elderly people when a thought dawned on me,"I am gonna get much better job opportunities when I graduate. I get more choices. If I'm not happy as an accountant, I'm gonna quit and become a psychologist. And I'm gonna be an awesome psychologist"

Life rolled downhill in adolescence. I prayed life will roll uphill again in adulthood. But then again, I'm already in adulthood. And I just celebrated my 22nd birthday. Life's shitty this year. Will it improve next year? I have a negative feeling about this... and thinking about this can make me cry...