Melody...

I cant seem to think of a title for this entry and it happens that I am listening to the song "Melody" by David Tao now. So I shall name this blog Melody.

Life this year aint pretty bad at all. I have good housemates. Or at least things are going well in the house. Something seems to be missing. Been thinking about how I feel inside all along. I try and give myself as much as I can, not expecting anything back. But now I feel tired, tired of giving. Tired of giving and giving and not getting anything back. Tired of seeing how my friends and my dad and mum put other things or people in the 1st place. RIght now, for everybody, its not about "oh Nicole feels this, oh we should think about Nicole". NO. Its about "oh, its about this person, that person. We should think of her instead. Oh will you please help me look after this person? "not "Oh, can you please help me look after Nicole?" There are plenty of times where I feel like telling ppl my probs, but it takes more than 15 mins to think of the right person to call. Just someone to tell my probs, someone who is just willing to sit down to listen to me. SOmeone who doesnt claim to be busy with studies, work, and other things and is willing to spare me 15 mins of their time. Someone who hears and doesnt judge. Someone who is willing to give me a hug when I am down. SOmeone who is able to do that. One thing I have learned through my stay in Aus is not to bother ppl with ur probs cos u dont wanna burden them. But when it comes to a point, you just want someone to be beside you. Keep you going in life when life is shitty.

I think its really time for me to move on. In life. I think I had been pretty afraid to move along in relationships and friendships. Now that I have sorted out that if friendships and relationships are not meant to be, there's no point in forcing it. However, I feel that I've been giving myself too much leeway. I hold back too much now. I give myself plenty of leeway just in case I get hurt. I try to avoid means and ways of making myself get hurt. That's why I am too afraid to make the 1st move in friendships and relationships. Scared that if I do not like that person and if I give that person a chance, if things turn wrongly, the 2 of us will just get hurt in the end.At least now I realise its time to let go. Ppl will continiously judge you. Its time to let go of the past and how everyone has been looking at me. Ppl Judging me silently. Ppl Criticising me. I need to move on in life. I'll just go on, keep trying till I find the right guy, the right bunch of friends whom I can really belong to and talk to. No point living in other ppl's judgement. If I continue to do this, I'll just be living on how they judge me, not the way I deem fit.

Thanks to Eme and Joanne, who are so willing to listen.

So if you are reading this and you start to judge and criticise me, I now know that you are not worth being my friend. For a true friend who reads this will start to care and leave comments on this entry to spur me on hey? Haha :p